“Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football.” – Gabe Deem
There’s little I love more than chatting with people who’ve not only overcome trying circumstances but transformed them into something hugely positive, even lifesaving, for others. This week’s Girl Boner Radio guest has done precisely that! Gabe Deem is a counselor for teens in Irving, Texas who has shared his personal struggle with porn addiction and his pathway to recovery with countless others in hopes that they might find similar healing. I was so thrilled when he agreed to an interview, in which he shared what spurred his fixation with porn, how it affected his life and relationships, myths about porn addiction and the wonders recovery can bring.
If you find yourself relating to his story, I hope you’ll also realize that there’s no shame in your circumstances, you’re far from alone and support is available. The same holds true if your partner is struggling with addiction. Gabe runs an entire community dedicated to porn addiction recovery and ways to “reboot” your system, ridding your life of porn’s complications, and is one of the most accessible and congenial folks I’ve encountered in the sex-positive world.
Listen to our chat using the below link then check out our after-chat. That’s right! He was kind enough to answer a few additional questions for us via email. (Thanks again, Gabe!) I hope you’ll chime in afterwards with your thoughts. 🙂
Gabe Deem on Boner Radio — He Can’t Get It Up: Could Porn Be the Problem?
Girl Boner Radio After-Chat with Gabe Deem
August: How do you feel parents and schools and teachers could make a positive difference regarding porn addiction?
Gabe: I think parents and teachers could make a positive impact on children by doing three things: Having an open and honest conversation with the child about what real sex is and isn’t, teaching them about the possible impact that watching porn can have on their brain and future sexuality, and protecting them by installing porn filters on all internet accessible devices to prevent accidental exposure.
1) For the conversation, it’s important to teach kids that porn is fake, and in real life sex should never be violent or forceful or harmful to someone emotionally or physically.
2) For teaching them about the brain, it is important they know that porn can rewire the brain to where they no longer can connect with real people both emotionally and physically, and “numb” their brain so it is more difficult to “feel” pleasurable things. For parents to get educated on this I suggest reading the material on YourBrainOnPorn.com.
3) Protecting children by installing filtering software on all devices to prevent accidental exposure. The reason I say for the “accidental” exposure, is because if I have learned anything as a boy with a computer, it’s that if I want to watch porn I could easily get around blocks and do so. This is where points 1 and 2 come in!
August: Do you feel porn itself is problematic? Or that it should change?
Gabe: I think it’s potentially be problematic, and here’s why. Porn comes in so many forms now days it’s tough to say that all of it can be problematic, especially when you have everything from rape porn to loving couples uploading their most intimate moments followed by cuddling. However, to our brains’ content isn’t the only thing that matters; it simply soaks up what you teach it.
So no matter what type of porn it is, if you are a young child watching porn you are teaching your brain that sexual arousal happens with pixels on a screen and not people in person. I look at porn in regards to sex the same way I look at junk-food in regards to organic food. It is an unhealthy version of the real deal, and can potentially have a negative impact on you.
Growing up watching porn and expecting to be good at sex is like growing up playing Madden on Xbox and expecting to be good at actual football. I recently watched the new movie The Fault in Our Stars and one of my favorite lines was “a picture of something is not the thing itself.” A picture might say a thousand words, but it can never love you back.
August: Have you seen Don Jon? If so, what did you think?
Gabe: Yes, I have. I thought it was a really good movie besides the unnecessary porn clips as if people do not know what porn looks like. There were a few things that stood out to me in that movie.
Don Jon had a beautiful girlfriend who would have sex with him, yet even after having sex with her, he said porn was better. This is important to realize because a lot of women think it has to do with how attractive their partner finds them when in reality it is more the guys desire to get his dopamine fix via the novelty, shock and stimulation internet porn provides.
But the most interesting thing to me that not many people caught was WHY he decided to finally give up porn. It wasn’t because he felt guilty. It wasn’t because he found the perfect woman who was more desirable than porn. It was because he tried to masturbate without porn and couldn’t! Yup, he realized that porn was physically screwing him up to the point where he was dependent on it to masturbate. That was the original thing that made him realize there’s a problem. If Don Jon was a real guy he would have been real close to developing porn-induced ED or delayed ejaculation.
August: What do you find most rewarding about your work and activism?
Gabe: Knowing that people are finally getting the answers they have been desperately looking for. I get messages from guys who are suicidal and have been to many doctors and specialists that have told them that their problem is all in their head. While they are technically right, because it appears to be in the brain, they are telling these guys it is anxiety and they just need to relax, take some Viagra and get out of their office.
But when the Viagra doesn’t work and months go by with no improvement, they feel hopeless. Seeing these guys finally give up porn and regain their sexual function back, as well as the joy in their life, has been the most rewarding thing to me. I know what it feels like to feel broken, and I know how important it is to have a light shining at the end of the tunnel. When guys tell me that my story gave them light, it makes any pain, embarrassment or discomfort from sharing my story all worth it.
*****
To learn more about porn addiction and recovery, check out Gabe’s articles on the Huffington Post:
Porn: Many Teens Watch It, and Two Reasons That’s a Problem
Internet Porn Addition: Exposing Misconceptions
We’d love to hear from you! Any thoughts to share with Gabe? What did you think of his story? How has your or your partner’s addiction to porn impacted your life? All respectful thoughts are welcome! ♥
Girl Boner 
tomwisk
/ June 18, 2014Sex is dependent on the person you’re with. It’s true porn is unrealistic and seriously sends out a false message. For men who can only get aroused watching porn miss the opportunity of being with a partner with the scents and touching. I prefer intercourse after a shower when all make-up and perfumes are washed away and the true scent of the woman comes through.
August McLaughlin
/ June 18, 2014It definitely should be, Tom! And you’re so right about the erroneous messages porn sends. Love your gusto for au naturale. 🙂
Raani York
/ June 18, 2014As a young curious woman I of course have watched the one or other porn clip. To me it was so “unnatural” in many ways, that I decided it’s nothing for me. Even more I was surprised that there really are people addicted and that this causes a lot of problems. To read this interview is very interesting and educating to me about something I hadn’t had any idea about. Well done, August!!
August McLaughlin
/ June 18, 2014I’m so glad to hear that porn isn’t a problem for you, Raani! The internet now makes it way too accessible to kids who learn little about sex elsewhere – scary stuff. Thanks for the support, lady!
laurie27wsmith
/ June 18, 2014What amazes me August and please forgive me while I digress for a moment, is this. People don’t think that there is anything wrong with their children playing violent video games. Impressionable minds and not only young ones are being fed a stream of gore and violence and depending on the game, highly sexualised images of women. The brain is just one big fatty, sponge designed to take in everything we expose it to. Sadly it’s the same with porn. The brain doesn’t discriminate at all. With the body in a heightened state of arousal, all those feel good drugs being produced by the brain are rushing through your system while you jack off. Of course the brain registers the highly charged event of orgasm and I believe it then sets a benchmark. Maybe a few times down the track you need more stimulation. It’s just like drugs and alcohol, the brain wants more. We train it to respond by constantly doing the one thing and of course there is the reward of a gut busting orgasm. Crikey, we’re just like Pavlov’s dogs. 😦
Great post.
Cheers
Laurie.
August McLaughlin
/ June 19, 2014Excellent points, Laurie! I absolutely agree that kids (and most everyone) having grown nonchalant about violence on the screen is absurd and heartbreaking. Porn and violence indeed have a Pavlovian effect if we let them. Gabe brought that up in the radio interview, too–great point! Thank you for caring so.
laurie27wsmith
/ June 20, 2014Thanks August, sorry I don’t get around to listening to your interview. I have a load of blogs to get through. 😦 You’re doing a public service for women and men, that not many are willing to do. I care because your words need to reach as many people as possible.
Cheers
Laurie.
mindslam
/ July 2, 2014I’m with Tom, I really love the “touch” & “scent” of a woman. Of course I have seen porn, it was pretty wild..especially growing up, but never got addicted to it even though I have heard of that. Couldn’t even tell you the last time I watched any. If, I do…I prefer a movie over the internet junk. My wife & I like to watch it together if we ever get in the mood…I never really got into by myself all that much. This does sound like a good thing he is doing with helping these people. But yea, scent, touch, & sexy feet it what I like…lol Great post as usual.