#GirlBoner Bonus: 5 Steps to Stronger Orgasms

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Put another way, there’s “no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.” And another, there’s no one, best or right way for women to orgasm. The important thing, in my opinion, is that we do.

The candy chocolate

As I explained in an earlier post, I don’t recall my first orgasm, but I do remember when they grew fabulously frequent and intense. I’d been studying female sexuality and working hard to release long-held negative beliefs about myself. Speaking openly about sex affected me like Viagra on Viagra. In fact, I may have first said the term Girl Boner out loud back then. (My incredibly old-fashioned boyfriend wasn’t exactly amused; that’s another story.)

After breaking up with BF #1—let’s call him “Max”—I started dating someone less old-fashioned. “Kevin,” the tattooed rocker by night, telephone technician by day, welcomed me and my Girl Boner with open arms—among other parts. I must’ve been overly enthused, as the first few times we were about to be intimate, his eyes would widen and he’d cower slightly, as though facing a gigantic, ready-to-pounce cheetah.

Okay, not quite like that.

Okay, not quite like that.

Then he’d release this amused laugh, ease back onto the bed and just lie there. Sure, he kissed me back, and may have held onto my arms or back at some point, but for the most part, Kevin lay naked on his back, his raging erection in firm salute as I rode, and rode, and…rode. Unlike Max, he didn’t mind if I made ample noise (though I can’t speak for my neighbors), which only intensified matters. Throughout our relationship, we had sex at random times during the day, always with me as pilot. It seemed somewhat selfish, but whenever I asked him if he wanted to try something new, he claimed he was perfectly content. And so, in regards to the bedroom, he remained my living, breathing sex toy. Also like toys, he helped me  learn a great deal about my body and sexuality.

According to numerous sex experts, the protocol Kevin and I shared set the stage for intense orgasms. (I can vouch for that.) If you’re lacking in the big O department, you may want to consider the following:

1. Do it before you’re exhausted. Just before nightly sleep is a common time to have sex, but it isn’t the best time, according to Laura Mintz, PhD, author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. By the day’s end, we’re typically tired and, if we’ve had a hectic day, high in the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol excesses can halt our sex drive. Women and men have higher levels of testosterone and feel-good brain chemicals during morning hours. So take advantage of those AM woodies! Afternoon and early evening are also great sex and orgasm times, and may even help facilitate restfulness and quality sleep later on.

2. Treat him like a sex object (sort of). This doesn’t mean objectifying, exploiting or ignoring him, but being a bit more selfish. While I personally believe that valuing a partner’s pleasure is vital, it can go too far, says Joel Block, PhD, coauthor of Sex Comes First. “Women spend too much energy worrying about turning a guy on,” he told Cosmo. If you find yourself stuck on your own “flaws” or other insecurities, try ogling his body and imagining the pleasure it can bring. Welcome saucy thoughts and inclinations. Act on them. It isn’t selfish if it pleases you both. Fixating on our insecurities, however, can be.

3. Make joyful noise! Woo hoo! I just knew shutting up wasn’t useful. Super secret stealth sex, also hot. But by withholding sound, we tense up our bodies, lowering our chances of satisfaction and climax. Heavy breathing, sighing and moaning during sex stimulate our central nervous system, says Mintz. Talking during sex has a similar effect, and allows for communication. (He/she may not know what is or isn’t working if we don’t speak up.)

4. Don’t stop until you come. It always seems lame to me in TV and movies when the man orgasms then turns over, snoring, beside an unsatisfied woman. If he finishes first and you want to orgasm (and I hope you do), keep going. Unless he has narcolepsy, I doubt ejaculating functions like intravenous Ambien. Mintz suggests making it clear that your needs are important; otherwise, we risk not only dissatisfaction, but resentment. Ask him to help you orgasm. Or hand him a dildo or vibrator.

5. Don’t rush it. Here’s where Kevin and I were lacking, unless you consider staring at each other over dinner foreplay. Women typically require 10 to 20 minutes of stimulation to be aroused enough for orgasm, says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. And a little time benefits both parties. “Seeing a woman aroused boosts his testosterone levels, turning him on even more,” Kerner explains. To further enhance foreplay, or if you find yourself not maintaining or increasing personal arousal, try fantasizing. Mid-sex fantasies increase arousal, making us more orgasm-ready.

We’ll be back on our usual Girl Boner Monday schedule shortly, with more orgasm glory. I hope you’ll stay tuned!

Have you ever had a partner like Kevin—or another partner who helped you learn about your O nature? Which orgasm step most resonates with you? Any favorite tips to add? I love hearing from you. ♥

Leave a comment

30 Comments

  1. I had some great partners. One, in particular, who taught me everything. Life was in technicolor. I liked being his student. Until our 5 year age difference actually started to matter. I was too young to understand what he wanted. He scared me.

    And then there were too many Kevins.

    Mothers need to talk to their sons about not being Kevins.

    Reply
  2. I’ve had one great lover. I credit him for introducing me to my true sexual self. I learned so much about my own body and satisfaction from him, he might as well have been the one who “designed” it. I haven’t found anyone since who was as giving, or in tune with my wants / needs. SIGH. Hoping I find another though before the desire for sex is replaced by my accumulated wealth and world travels ;-).

    Reply
  3. I love all these tips August, but the one about how being tired and stressed impacts your sex drive definitely hits home. You know I recently quit my job and just getting away from that stress has helped my sex life! lol. But I’ll also second the book recommendation of She Comes First. Great book for guys. And then I bought Size Matters to learn how to please my man!

    Reply
    • Ooh, Size Matters. Adding to my list. 🙂

      I know what you mean about stress… It’s one of those catch-22s: Sex helps minimize stress, but stress nukes libido. Hope you find a good balance soon!

      Reply
  4. I heard doing it in when temperatures are high(as in the weather or in a sauna) is suppose to intensify things but I’m not sure of the scientific facts… 😀

    Reply
  5. Most of the women in my experience, although that doesn’t include a large number, have been more concerned about their own pleasure than mine. They assume that since a man usually has a physical climax he must be satisfied. Not necessarily so.

    Reply
    • Wow, interesting. And I’m sorry to hear that, David. It’s interesting how the tables can turn. Celebrating and respecting our own and our partner’s pleasure is ideal, IMO, regardless of gender.

      Reply
  6. I agree with the woman wanting to finish. I am perfectly fine helping her afterward or even in place of if I am having too much pain in my hip. And, yes, I think she should be willing to do the same. It’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable – how can it be if either gets partway there and it all stops?
    Scott

    Reply
  7. I like spending time, a lot of time, touching a woman everywhere but there. And when her hand goes to herself, I’ll pull it firmly away. And kiss her again. And then, finally…

    Reply
  8. Good tips and good reminders for me. Glad to have found your blog!

    Reply
  9. Nope. Never had a Kevin in my life. And the step that resonated with me the most was to not rush it. But I do think that foreplay needs to start during supper. In fact, I think it needs to start long before you get near the bedroom (or wherever). Nothing major, but soft touches, kisses and snuggling can go a long way toward setting the right mood…and maybe cut down on the time necessary once you do get down to business. 🙂

    Reply
  10. I can relate to the first boyfriend. My first was prude and I remember thinking, “This is what all the fuss is about?” after having sex for the first time. Luckily for me, I have great girlfriends who like to talk. Even specifically about sex. They helped me see that I needed to figure out what I liked and be vocal about it. Just that switch in my brain to being more selfish changed everything for me. WIth the next boyfriend, I was able to figure out what I liked, and sex has been great ever since then. It wasn’t about the guy, it was about being confident and knowing what you like. Kind of like every other area in life. Thank goodness I have such great friends! They really can help a girl out. 🙂

    Reply
    • Cheers to those girlfriends! We all have lots to learn, especially early on. Communication, experimentation and self-acceptance go such a long way.

      Reply
  11. Raani York

     /  April 5, 2013

    I remember having a few orgasms in my life… but the most intensive and extensive orgasms I have with my partner now. I don’t regret anything – but I do regret I haven’t met him earlier. 🙂
    I’m not sure why this is… maybe it’s because I trust him completely and can let myself go without any doubts and just be… woman…

    Reply
    • Trust plays a big role in sexuality, Raani. I think you hit it on the head! (Um, NPI ;)) So glad you two are enjoying each other so much.

      Reply
  12. laurie27wsmith

     /  April 8, 2013

    Ahh, the female orgasm. Sex gets better the older you get, my wife and I enjoy a great sex life. Intensity of orgasm and sex without fear of interruption is fantastic. We liberate each other (both on second marriage) and put our all into it. No trouble with orgasms for either of us. Male ejaculation doesn’t mean orgasm, I find a whole different sensation when I orgasm that starts somewhere back behind the glans, creating a quivering feeling in your genitals like nothing else you’ve felt. I could go on but suffice to say, it’s a bloody good subject.

    Reply
    • Sounds like you two have a wonderful partnership, Laurie. Sex really should be freeing and variety-filled. Thanks for chiming in!

      Reply
  13. Being selfish is sometimes the best way for us to convey what we want. We can’t even put into words what we want as well as we can by demonstration. The key is having the partner who can recognize it and give that to you instinctively the next time.

    Reply
    • Interesting point. Showing certainly help! I think communicating with our partner helps as well, even if it’s to say, “Can I show you what I want?” Or better yet, “Let’s show each other what we want.”

      Reply
  14. Late to the party, again, August.

    I couldn’t miss tossing in my comment. Especially since my curious-about-me attitude blossomed in tandem with your series.

    Nope. You already know I’ve never had a Kevin in my life. I brought it on myself, to some degree, because of co-dependent behavior that made me feel as if it was my job to make sure the man felt like a stud. He got his woman to the Big O. Yeah. Well. I faked it.

    Mea culpa and all that jazz.

    For me? Right now? The tip that resonates most is the sound effects, because I’ve had some incredible phone sex with someone who may one day be MY Kevin. Until then, it’s really hot turning each other on and getting each other off with only our voices communicating what’s happening. “I may not always get exactly what I want, but…I find sometimes, I get what I need.” At least it isn’t a solo act!

    Which would make a GREAT theme for a song, come to think of it. I’m surprised The Beatles didn’t think of that one.

    Reply
  15. Kourtney Heintz

     /  April 9, 2013

    Love the Nietzsche quote and the comparison to Reese’s. Another awesomely honest post! 🙂

    Reply
  16. Incredible post, August!
    If only WordPress had the guts to Press this!

    Reply

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