New Year’s Eve Prep: Sidestep the Psychopath

Next week, I’ll officially kick off the Lifesaving Resolutions series with a hugely important topic: mindful driving. But I couldn’t let this holiday weekend pass by without addressing the psychopath in many celebratory rooms. Yes, that’s what I said, psychopath. Natalie Hartford was the first to use the term in this particular way… Lucky of us, she gave me the go-ahead to share her story.

From the moment I spotted Natalie’s blog, lush with hilarity and girlish yet sexy cuteness, I LOVED it. Let me in! I cried. And she did. I soon learned that this welcoming woman and her kin have endured more heartache than anyone should have to…because of the psychopath. Since then, Natalie’s made it her mission to prevent similar pain in others.

Impaired Driving – Our Story

By Natalie Hartford

A brutal before and after

On August 1, 2009, my mother-in-law (the beautiful Donna Kennie who I lovingly called Mamma K) was gunned down. I say gunned down because it feels like she was brutally murdered by a gun-wielding psychopath. Instead, it was a seemingly harmless driver who had one too many drinks and smoked some weed. Someone who likely thought he was “fine” to drive but clearly wasn’t when he cut sharply into the other lane.

It was a gorgeous sunny day. 2:30 in the afternoon.

A witness driving behind Mamma K testified in court that when the 1-ton truck slammed into Mamma K’s 2-door sunfire nearly head on, the force of the collision propelled the truck literally 10 feet in the air as it flipped over and landed on its hood sliding into the gravel. The impact tore the driver side door off her car. It was found imbedded in the truck’s front grill.

My Mamma K was nearly ripped in two and died almost instantly. She lived long enough to turn to her right as she took her final breath and see that her 16-year-old grandson (my step-son) was alive. He watched her mutilated body fade away to the afterlife before his very eyes. Now he lives with recurring nightmares and sleepless nights.

Trent Mallet was charged with impaired driving causing death.

And he did her family the honor (being sarcastic here) of pleading not-guilty to impaired driving causing death. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the Canadian justice system and Trent’s right to plead not guilty to try and get away with it. But that choice meant that my family was dragged through 18 months and over a dozen court dates before finally seeing this guy found guilty and sentenced for his crime (3 whole years…here’s another kick in the gut, he’ll be eligible for parole after serving 1 year…yip…he could serve 1 year for murder!).

The entire court process was like having a Band-Aid slowly torn off with salt pouring directly on an open, festering wound over and over again. We were unable to get closure, heal, or move forward having the hurt and anger stirred up every few months for nearly two years.

And then there was the added emotional roller coaster of not knowing from court date to court date what was going to happen next; were we going to win, was the criminal blood in or out (deemed inadmissible by the way), medical evidence admissible (it was), was he going to get off on a technicality (thankfully by sheer luck, he did not)? I can’t even begin to put into words the emotional torture this was to my family; the not knowing if he’d ever be held accountable for his choices and actions…for her murder.

And it doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop with a final round of court dates, sentencing, his eventual release etc. It lasts forever. It will reverberate through our lives forever. It will always be there. It will always haunt us.

Drunk drivers don’t discriminate against time of day. They don’t care where they are, if the road conditions are ideal, or if anyone will get hurt. Nothing matters to them because you see…they tell themselves they are ok to drive….they think their harmless…

I think they are gun wielding psychopaths!

The devastation that impaired driving inflicts on families is undeniable and unspeakable. Worse than that, it is senseless and 100% preventable. Mamma K never had to die!

Why ever take the chance? Why drive even after a drink or two; even if you feel fine? Why take the risk? What if you inadvertently murder some innocent person(s)…just to save a few bucks on a cab? It’s not worth it! It doesn’t make sense.

******

Natalie’s right. It doesn’t. Most of know the risks, yet drunk driving continues to kill approximately one person every 30 minutes. Many drunk drivers start with good intentions—prior to their drunken-gun-weilding psychopathology. They don’t believe they’ll hurt anyone (only happens to “other” people) and get behind the wheel out of confidence they won’t get caught. But they should get caught. New Year’s Eve is among the most common days of the year for alcohol-related accidents and fatalities.

To sidestep this psychopath, consider the following: 

• Commit to not drinking and driving before you start drinking. (Now would be a prime time. ) Choose a reasonable amount of alcohol or none at all.
• Share your commitment with others for added accountability.
• Remember that not normally drinking, genetics and being female or petite increase alcohol sensitivity. (I won’t drive after one glass of champagne…)
• Eat before you start drinking. A full stomach helps slow the rate of absorption.
• Drink slowly to give your body time to handle the alcohol. Then allow time before any additional drinks.
• Avoid caffeinated alcoholic beverages like the plague. Studies show that they don’t minimize drunken/grogginess, but make partakers feel less drunk, increasing the risk for accidents. They also heighten other risks, such as alcohol toxicity.
• Know what you’re drinking. Don’t accept a drink with unknown ingredients.
• Never leave drinks unattended. (I’ve seen Rohypnol in action—not pretty.)
• If you’re the party host, serve food and stop serving alcohol a few hours before you expect the party to end. Provide non-alcoholic drinks for non-drinkers and designated drivers.
• Never let a tipsy guest drive home. Call a taxicab, have a sober friend drive or urge the guest to stay the night.
• Whether you’re drunk or sober, take extra caution when driving, particularly late at night. Allow extra room between cars and stay aware of other drivers. Keep your eye out for cars that swerve, sway or speed.
• If you notice a dangerous driver, note the license plate, pull over then report it to the police.

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Has your life been touched by drunk driving? What commitments have you made to guard against it? Any thoughts to share with Natalie? (She’s out of town at the moment, but I KNOW she’d love hearing from you. )

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Life is precious. Live yours well.

Lifesaving Resolutions

“He’s dead.” The phrase I’ve read, written and heard in films many times had never before hit me with such heartache, doom or nausea—probably because I’d before never witnessed a death up close.

My husband and I were heading for our favorite hiking spot when the driver ahead of us lost control of his car, causing it to flip up in the air, hit the side of the mountain and land upside down, crushing and killing him instantly. Had my husband not had the wherewithal to keep a distance from the seemingly distracted driver, there’s little doubt that we would have been involved in the accident and faced severe injuries, if not a similar fate. This blog series is dedicated to the young man who died that day.

I’ll never forget…

If you knew that altering some of your behaviors could improve your day-to-day existence, emotional wellbeing, physical health and life expectancy, would you do it? I hope your answer is a non-hesitatory, exuberant YES! For the skeptics among you, don’t worry—there’s no “catch.” (You won’t have to sacrifice your first born or left foot in exchange.) Willingness to learn, determination and effort, however, are required. Psst! A positive attitude and sense of humor will also help.

I’ve committed to the life-saving resolutions we’ll explore here throughout January. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll sign on, too.

Here’s a sneak peak at the resolutions I’ll be covering:

1. Mindful Driving: Driving is the most dangerous thing most of us will ever do, yet too many of us do so with complacency. With the help of experts, including our own Natalie Hartford, I’ll address the risks and dangers associated with driving while talking on the phone, texting or, god forbid, intoxicated and offer practical tips for improving yours and others’ safety on the road.

2. Dodging Diets: We already know that diets don’t work. But they’re so darn alluring! Holiday pounds, friends’ and celebrities’ apparent successes, eagerness for “rapid results” and diets packaged as “lifestyle plans” bring great appeal. Add to that the $45 billion-plus industry rooting against us, and sheesh. We seem like goners. But don’t worry, we’re not. I’ll soon share enjoyable and effective ways to manage your dietary wellness without the multitude of risks linked with dieting, such as obesity, depression and heart disease. (In the meantime, please chuck your scale, diet pills and manuals out the window. Ah… Doesn’t that feel GOOD?)

3. Laying Off the Smokes: Don’t smoke. Just say know. The dangers of smoking are so well touted, these phrases seem cliche. But similar to the dieting industry, the tobacco industry wants our business big time. Sadly, it continues to win. This segment will include personal stories and expert insight on ways (some revolutionary) you and your loved ones can quit or refrain from smoking for good.

4. Trusting Your Instincts: Intuition is always right in at least two crucial ways, says Gaven de Becker—the world renowned expert in fear and self-defense. And honing in on it just might save your own life. If you haven’t read de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, I suggest you race over to Amazon or a book store pronto. In either case, stay tuned for some of his top tips and their significance.

5. Groovy Moving. No, this isn’t some strange new dance craze or 70′s workout video. Inactivity contributes to some of the most common causes of death in North America and it’s on the rapid rise. But forcing yourself to go to the gym when your soul begs you not to won’t do much good. In fact, you’re more likely to order more pizzas to eat while watching workout videos from the couch. (I’ve only done that once.) (Okay, twice.) Fortunately for all of us non-genetically-workout-enthused, lots of effective and yes, FUN, solutions exist. Promise.

6. Healthy Sleep. Sleep deprivation isn’t just bothersome, but hazardous. Improving your sleep hygiene, on the other hand, increases your overall physical wellness and guards against accidents, obesity, emotional tumult and disease. (Whew! I’ll take it.) After decades of personal sleep challenges, I’m to share what works and what doesn’t. Some of these snooze-friendly tidbits might surprise you…

7. Pursuing Passion. Though this one’s a little less scientific, it’s arguably the most important and at the root of many common conflicts—including those aforementioned. If you haven’t yet stepped fully into passionate pursuits, I hope you’ll consider doing so yesterday. If not, baby steps are a great way to start. This segment will feature clinical research and expert insight, along with kick-butt ways to get your passion-plotting self in gear.

8. Active Gratitude. Many of us consider ourselves happy and grateful. But how often to you put it into practice? Studies have linked gratitude with heightened happiness, physical health and longevity. And you may not have heard some of the useful, most valuable ways we can practice it.

Which of these resolutions resonate with you? Which have you mastered? Which remain on your to-do list? 

Whether you’ve mastered them or not, I hope you’ll join me for fun, inspiring conversations, fabulous expert insight and the revealing of tough-to-swallow, but worthy of discussion, truths.

In the meantime, please have a safe, healthy, SPECTACULAR New Year!

Cinnabon’s Healthy Cousins

The first time I attempted whole grain cinnamon rolls, they came out like little brown hockey pucks, only harder. But hey, they were nutritious. Slather on some frosting and bon appetit! Sort of. I happen to like grainy, dense foods. But I and my stomach continued to dream of soft, doughy, healthy Cinnabon-style treats most anyone would enjoy. The kind you instantly crave at the airport. One whif and OH MAN…!!!

Okay, enough confectionary lusting. Several attempts later and I’ve done it, I think. If you try them, please share your thoughts!

CINNAMON ROLLS WITH WHOLE GRAINS, BLUEBERRIES AND LOTSA YUM!

Ingredients:

3 Tbsp ground cinnamon
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup granulated or raw sugar
1 packet active dry, rapid-rise yeast
1 tsp sugar
1/3 cup canola oil
1/2 cup warm water (110 degrees, approximately)
1/2 cup warm soy milk
1 tsp salt
1 egg
2 – 3 cups whole wheat flour
1 – 2 cups white or white whole wheat flour
1/4 cup spreadable butter w/canola or olive oil (or soft regular butter)
Fresh or frozen (thawed/drained) blueberries
Frosting of choice

Instructions:

1. Mix together the brown sugar and cinnamon. Set it aside for later.
2. In a small bowl or mug, dissolve yeast and 1 tsp sugar in warm water.
3. In a large bowl (mixer bowl if possible) combine milk,  granulated sugar, canola oil, salt and egg. Add yeast mixture and 2 cups of flour—1 white, 1 whole wheat. Beat until smooth, either with a hand mixer, large spoon or your mixer’s dough hook. Gradually add more of each type of flour until a stiff ball forms. Continue to knead by hand or machine. (If you hand-kneed, about 8 minutes should do it. In a mixer, it’s more like 5 – 6.)
   If it looks like this (EW), add flour.
   It should look more like this—doughy and firm, not sticky or crumbly. Think…elastic.

   

4. Place dough into a large greased bowl. Cover with a thin cloth and allow it to rise someplace warm, like under your overhead oven light, until doubled in size—about 1 to 1 1/2 hours.
5. Punch down dough and let it rest for 5 minutes. (Okay, most bread recipes say to do this. I never do. Do as you wish. Just please don’t turn me in to the baking police.)
6. Roll dough out onto a floured surface into a rectangle. (I roll out a large circle and cut a rectangle. You can make fun little blobby things with the leftovers. Up to you.)
7. Brush the softened butter over the dough. Sprinkle on the cinnamon and brown sugar mixture then the blueberries.
8. Tightly roll up dough and pinch edges together to seal then cut 8 rounds. (Recipes usually suggest slicing round with thread or floss. I use a knife. Karate CHOP!)
9. Coat the bottom of a baking pan with nonstick cooking spray or canola oil. (Whatever size floats your fancy.) Place the rolls close together in the pan.
10. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 – 30 minutes or until golden brown.
11. Top with frosting, if desired.
    **I frost only the ones we’ll eat right away. Otherwise, the frosting soaks in. Serving the frosting on-the-side gives partakers the option of extra sweet or none at all.

If you’d like some festive music to accompany your baking adventures, check out EVERY DAY IS CHRISTMAS. It’s available for viewing/listening here and for purchase on iTunes. Proceeds benefit the National Center for Adult Literacy.

These rolls have become a holiday staple in my kitchen. What would we find in yours?? What sweet treat do you wish was nutritious? (I just make uptake the challenge… )

Original Holiday Tune (My gift to you…)

Can you believe it’s Christmas week already??? Okay, I admit it. I’ve been feeling festive for MONTHS. Lucky for us all, I’ve calmed down since age five. A little. As a kid my holiday vigor was so intense, I often came down with the flu promptly after. (Red and green tinsle-topped butterflies that flitter up must eventually come down…) If only I’d had this song back then…

“Every Day is Christmas” started out as a gift from my hubby. A talented drummer and overall brilliant guy who’d never before written a song came out with these perfect lyrics and a melody to boot. (Hmm… Love must have that effect… ) We finished it together, took it to a friend’s in-home recording studio and vwa-la! The first McLaughlin holiday hit was born. Now it’s my gift to you.

So sit back and enjoy! If you dig it, please purchase “Every Day is Christmas” at iTunes. A portion of the proceeds will benefit the National Center for Adult Literacy, an organization responsible for over three decades of cutting edge, high-impact research, training and innovation toward increasing adult literacy in the U.S. and worldwide.

What’s the best gift you’ve given or received? Besides this one (kidding! ), what’s your favorite holiday tune?

Stealing Jesus

Regardless of how we spend them, the holidays draw up memories—some wonderful, some we’d rather forget and some that just keep getting funnier.

I don’t recall many details about the day I stole Jesus. But since I was in high school, it was probably like most winter days. I woke up to the sound of my mother’s voice, munched on toast in a fog then slipped on the ice en route to catch the bus. (At the sight of icy streets, I still get phantom aches.) Come dusk, after more fogginess also known as ‘classes,’ I went to my friend Andrea’s house to meet with my Odyssey of the Mind team. (If you’re unfamiliar with OM, think math team for creatives.) Here, I woke up.

Beck’s “I’m a loser baby…” hummed from the stereo while we dined on doughnuts and M&Ms in preparation for the evening’s events. Tonight we’d do a scavenger hunt, Andrea explained. In OM, making practice activities as difficult as possible was key, particularly since our sights were set on state competition and beyond. Toward this end, baby Jesus appeared on my list.

Most of my teammates were atheists, which was equal to devil worship in the eyes of my grandparents—a strict Baptist pastor and missionary team. I’d spent the summer organizing benefit concerts to raise awareness about child abuse, for which I was made co-recipient of the Minnesota Peace Prize. In other words, I was a goody-goody supreme—not someone predictably comfy with Jesus-nabbing.

To further toughen matters, I couldn’t drive yet and the only Jesus in the neighborhood was real—and not in a second coming type way. Mary and Joseph’s breath made frozen white puffs in the air and the little tyke in the manger wasn’t plastic.

Crap, I thought, unable to even think cuss words, much less state them. Then I had an idea. I’d called a friend, hitch a ride to my house and borrow the plastic, lit up Jesus from the nativity scene in the yard. My family was asleep, I figured; no one would miss him for a few hours. And besides, the little dude deserved some respite.

Mission accomplished, I returned to Andrea’s house. The gang fell speechless as I presented every item on my list, including Jesus. Sure, I’d found a creative solution—one of the O.M. pillars. But far more remarkable was the fact that I, Ms. Goody Two Shoes, stole him, presumably from a stranger’s yard.

Hours later, exhausted and high from sugar, creative tricks and camaraderie, we called it a night and a teammate drove me home.

The next morning I woke to sounds best suited to nightmares. Muffled crying. Serious voices. Something terribly wrong. I jolted upright: Cora? Listening closer, I had no doubt. My youngest sister was upset. Really upset. Before I could rush downstairs to help soothe her, she said something I’ll never forget: “But Mom, why would someone steal Jesus?”

The word crap no longer seemed strong enough. @$%#! I forgot Jesus! 

I snuck into my parents’ room and phoned Andrea. Huh?! Jesus wasn’t there. @#$@#$#&$#@$!!! 

I sat frozen in my room, wondering what to do. My parents’ voices were filled with angst and disappointment, more due to Cora’s heartache than the missing figure. And what my team didn’t know was that amidst my recent do-goodings, I’d also been picked up by the cops (for skipping class with a friend, leading our parents to believe we’d been abducted…) and gotten in trouble for other…*clearing throat* things. Seeing my sisters’ sad faces as the cop car pulled into the driveway that summer was much. I couldn’t disappoint Cor, or any of them, again.

I spent the day working up the courage to tell my family the truth, while the term “finding Christ” took on a whole new meaning.

That night, still Jesus-less and lost for an alternate plan, I heart Mom and Cor praying for the bad person who took him. Tomorrow, I decided. I’d tell them tomorrow.

I woke the next morning to brighter sounds. Sing song chatter. Laughter. Cora’s voice, this time chipper: “It’s a Christmas miracle!”

Tears filled my eyes as I realized what had happened. The teammate who’d driven me home from Andrea’s had tucked baby Jesus back in his bed. The joy in my sister’s face almost made the ordeal worthwhile.

Deeming my shame and frustration punishment enough, and not wishing to taint my sister’s “miracle” or opinion of me, I kept the truth to myself until last year when my dear hubby outed me. I’m glad he did, as the laughter it’s brought up since is like a holiday in itself.

I suppose stealing Jesus taught me that although the truth does set us free and hurt stems from dishonesty, sometimes good things happen regardless. (Just sometimes.)

*****

So, what about you? Steal any religious icons lately? What turns of events have gone from sour to miraculous? Have you reaped surprising benefits from simply keeping your mouth shut? Do tell. I always love hearing from you…HONEST.

Fa La Ha Ha Blog Bash

So I, er, I mean a random blonde went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Here’s what went down:

Blonde: May I have 50 Christmas stamps?

Clerk: What denomination?

Blonde: Oh my God! Has it come to this? Fine. Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian and 32 Baptist.

Laughing yet? I hope so, because laughter is good for your heart—literally. A study conducted at the University of Maryland Medical Center showed that people with heart disease are 40 percent less likely to laugh with ease. Research has also linked laughter with an improved capability to manage stress and fewer instances of stress and anxiety. (Geesh… Sign me up!)

I’ve always admired people who guffaw at just about anything or find hilarity in popular comedies I find treacherous to sit through. But just when I suspect I lack some funny bones, something comes along and strikes me as FUUUUU—NNY. I start laughing and can’t stop until tears pool in my eyes, my belly aches and my bladder control grows questionable. Y’all kept me laughing through my Naughty & Nice fun. I figured it was time to reciprocate.

Recently, this was my HAHA inspiration:

HAAAAAA!!!!!!! See what I MEAN??? This hat isn’t only hilarious, but so darn useful. A few potential uses, off the top of my HEAD. LOL! (*slinking down* Okay, not as funny.)

With a turkey hat, you can:

1. …bring light to a serious situation. Imagine, you’re sitting at a table full of relatives who have as much in common as lightbulbs and kumquats. The silence is so thick, you fear breathing. You bust out this bad boy and every straight lip curves upward, or opens wide to LOL.

2. …make a statement for animal rights. (For added power, carry a sign: “You think eating animals looks goofy?”)

3. …start a fashion trend. (Hey, if Zubaz could do it…)

4. …keep your as head as warm stuffing.

5. …make others fear they’ve gone crazy. (“What do you mean, what’s on my head?”)

6 …eat herb-seasoned bread bits to your heart’s desire.

7. …play the “put this on your head game.”

8. …top off your turkey dinner Halloween costume.

9. …give the gift of laughter to everyone on your list. Think about it: Christians, Jews and atheists may disagree on certain points, but they ALL have heads. They also either eat or avoid chicken. You simply can’t go wrong. (Since the hat isn’t edible, no worries on whether it’s kosher.)

10. …create holiday memories to last a lifetime. (Yep, planning on this myself.)

***** All this for only $10.99 $6.49 at Amazon! *****

Whether you have no trouble seeing the light in grim situations and laugh out loud at everyday scenarios, say, turkey hat wearing, or can’t recall the last time you chuckled, I hope you get a kick out of these fabulous links. I know I did.

Lucy Writes a Novel, by M.G. Miller: A hilarious walk down the slush-pile memory lane.

Funny Christmas Cookies, featured by In Erika’s Kitchen: Darth Vador, Bacon & Eggs and Kim Kardashian’s behind. (Need I say more?)

Urban Word Wednesday: Manolescent, by Natalie Hartford: Natalie’s weekly word series never fails in making me laugh.

For the Golfer in Your Life: The Potty Putter (Yes, You Read That Correctly), by Natalie Hartford: The photo alone is giggle-worthy.

When Words Fail, Eat More Friggin’ Pudding, by Coleen Patrick: When lyrics go wrong, laughter goes right.

Fifty-Six of the Best (or Worst) Similies Ever Written, featured by The Journal Pulp: Also the funniest similies!

Are You Sexy and You Know It? LMAFO You Are!, by Tameri Etherton: If you’ve ever wondered when togs become underwear…

The Grinch is Pregnant, by Myndi Shafer: Myndi makes such a great case, she could be a lawyer by day, standup comic by night.

Great Expectations, by Kristen Lamb: Why a little boy dug through horse poo with glee (and you should, too).

Author Marc Shuster referred me to clip and it’s been popping into my head routinely since. Even if you’ve seen the entire film, this scene is precious as a stand-alone:

Now, if we could just get Buddy to don a turkey hat…

Speaking of which, I have a Naughty & Nice challenge for y’all. Order your own turkey hat and take photos or video of you wearing it. (No Photoshop allowed, you non-GGs!) If five of you do so and blog about it, I’ll sport mine in public and share the embarrassment  goofy awesomeness in a post.

In the meantime, I love hearing from you. Are you an easy laugher? What’s your personal “turkey hat?” How many of the real deal are you purchasing today?

Naughty & Nice Part II

GOODY GOODY TELLS ALL SOME

The original “Goody Two Shoes” was an orphan named Margery Meanwell, featured in a children’s story by English professor John Newbery in 1765. Margery endured much of her life with only one shoe until a rich man came along and completed her pair. She ran around telling everyone how grateful she was and later married a rich guy—supposed proof that her virtuousness paid off.

Not all modern definitions of goody goody are sweet, however. The MacMillan Dictionary lists ’public nuisance,’ ‘know-it-all’ and ‘yub’ as synonyms.

In my view, there are two kinds of goody goodies: those who aspire to seem good and those with genuinely good intentions. The best GGs—the ones we’d probably all prefer to hang out with—are not only a bit naughty (as I explained in my previous post), but naughty to be nice rather than for selfish gain. Since my intentions were good, I felt comfortable sharing my naughtiness. And thanks to your warm and hilarious responses, I’ve been seriously entertained for days. You’ve kept me smiling, laughing, blushing and, at certain points, perspiring.

“She’s braver than I,” a few of you wrote. (By “brave,” I wondered, did you mean crazy? Hmm… LOL) Some of you said you’d never divulge your naughtiness for fear your mother might see. (This part was easy for me. If my mom read my list, she’d likely laugh, reminisce with me and likely suggest a few additions…) So why did I do it? A few reasons. One, I felt the urge to. Two, I’m by nature a blurter, which is different from an exploiter, but not exactly brave. (Urge + Blurt = Spill… More on Blurt Syndrome soon. ) And three, I took author/blogger supreme Roni Loren’s advice to heart.

When I asked for Roni top blogging tip, she said, “Be genuine and be uniquely you. Your blog is about letting people in and getting to know you (and all your quirks and weirdness).”

Wisdom to blog and live by. It feels good to let our true selves out. So whether or not you feel up to playing the Naughty/Nice game yourself, I challenge you to live and write with gusto and authenticity—be a first-rate you, rather than a knock-off someone else. Then please share your bad self with us!

Okay. Enough philosophizing, right?? You came for the GOODS. So without further ado…

THE RESULTS

None of you guessed right, that 10 of my 12 items were true. But I don’t have the heart (or perhaps the ability) to keep my mouth fully shut. So here goes…something.

I’m so naughty, I (really):

1. Got picked up by the cops.
…for skipping high school with a friend. Thanks to our GG reputation, our parents and teachers thought we’d been abducted. We were walking home from Cheapo Records clutching CDs and Beatles posters when a cop car pulled over and presented a photograph….of us.

2. Punched a well known artist in the nose…and broke it.
…because he stuck his tongue in my mouth first. Though the experience stunk, I’m glad to know I have that in me.

3. Had a lengthy fling with one of “world’s sexiest” celebs.
I’d say more, but GG’s don’t kiss and tell! (Sorry, Tim!) The two of you who deemed this probable can have the scoop if we ever meet in person. Then again, you’re writers! Use your imagination…

4. Walked naked through Times Square on a dare.

5. Walked naked through Times Square because I felt like it. 

6. Had air-sex with an invisible man on TV.
Since many of you seemed unsure of what air-sex is, here’s an explicit how-to video:

Ha! You watched it, didn’t you, you naughty person! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. (If you skipped the video, watch it now. Innocent clip, I promise.) In this case, Karen was partly right. My character (I was an actress at the time) fell in love with a mime. Mr. Mime cheated on me with an air-woman. What else was I to do??? Thank goodness I didn’t end up carrying his mime-baby. Whew!

7. Spat in a teacher’s face before knocking him into a pool.
…because I’m a complete hydrophobe; I couldn’t even float or dip my head below water at the time. Mr. Mean forced me into the deep end, putting my life at risk. My response was a jerk reaction. (Pun intended. )

8. Peed on the Audobon.
Many of you got this one right. When nature calls…

9. Touched a monk. And liked it.
Apparently one GG’s friendly, affectionate gesture is a monk’s nefarious act. I met the cute little guru at Manny’s guitar store in New York. He asked me all about guitar strings, music I like…and man, I really thought we bonded! Imagine my heartbreak when, as we posed for a photograph and my friendly arm wandered (No, not there!), he lurched away, commanding women “never touch monk.” I gave him my card, but he never called… *reaching for tissue*

10. Stole Jesus.
This item is what led me to post about Goody Goody-dom in the first place. More soon…

11. Said the F, S, B and D-words out loud. 
Once I realized that I hadn’t sworn out loud, I made it my mission not to until a high school friend needed some serious cheering up. With my heart racing and palms sweating, I opened my mouth and let ‘em rip! As we laughed and cried together afterwards, I knew my saving up had paid off.

12. Broke into a house.
…because I locked myself out, again. Not glamorous or saucy, but true. I have leg bruises to prove it.

So what do you think? Am I as good as Margy Meanwell or a yub on Santa’s naughty list? Most importantly, what can you do to live or write more authentically?

For MORE Naughty & Nice fun, check out Amber West‘s and Anna Beth‘s posts. You two are rockstars for participating! Being the GG I am , I’ve decided to send you both healthy baked goods. Email or Tweet/message (@AugstMcLaughlin) me your address.

JUST ADDED: Check out Tim L. O’Brien’s Naughty or Nice List. Naked Rover, cow tongues and more…

The Gift of a Name: A Special Guest Post by Mark B. Saunders

Earlier this year, my friend Diane Israel asked if she could put me in touch with Mark Saunders—a friend of hers who had launched an online health publication. Flattered, I welcomed the introduction. I soon learned that his publication’s tag line, “Enliven the body, Awaken the mind, Free the spirit,” suits not only its content, but Mark’s personal philosophies and how the venture came into fruition. It seemed a no-brainer that I’d not only contribute articles, but remain a fan.

Today I’m thrilled to bring you a special post by Mark Saunders—an editor, publisher and human being we can all learn from. I hope you find his story as inspiring as I did.

*****

The Gift of A Name
by Mark B. Saunders

My business partner and I were less than a month away from launching this super cool health and wellness website when my partner received a long-term consulting offer that was too good to turn down. Suddenly, months of preparation went right out the window with the baby and the bath water.

Now what am I going to do?

Shortly after receiving the news, I did what I usually do when things feel overwhelming: I went for a bike ride. I honestly don’t remember much about the ride other than repeating optimistic platitudes to myself like: Don’t fight the river; there’s a reason for everything; something wonderful will come from this; there’s a lesson here; no effort is wasted. But most of that inner monologue was designed to keep me from pulling over during the steepest parts of the hills and just sitting down by the side of the road and staring off into the distance while the cars whizzed by.

When I got home, I made a half-hearted attempt at yoga—my other major stress reducer —then crawled into the hottest bath I could stand. Some of my best thinking happens in the bath, frequently in the company of the New York Times. As I sat there, sweating in the near-scalding water, I realized that I wanted to go ahead with this business idea on my own—even though I knew nothing about the technical aspects of creating and maintaining a website.

OK. What are you going to call it?

I didn’t have a clue. The old name just popped out of my former partner’s mouth when we were brainstorming about what separated us from similar websites. “Wait! That’s it. That’s the name!” As I stepped out of the tub, pink from my chest down, a voice inside my head said, Name it after your dad. Call it Bartlett’s Integrated Health Journal.

That’s too easy, I thought. But after a week of pondering other potential names, I couldn’t come up with anything I liked half as much. Then it was a matter of calling my dad and asking him if it was all right to use his name.

Although my relationship with my father is great these days, that hasn’t always been the case.

Delving into the details of my family’s dysfunction isn’t necessary to get across the idea that our family was profoundly screwed up. Like most people, my father did the best he could with the tools he had at the time; unfortunately for both of us, the trauma I experienced as a child was beyond my dad’s skill set. Like the doctors and therapists my father sent me to, he lacked the necessary tube of “Humpty Dumpty Superglue.” (Although he could recite “Humpty Dumpty” in German, which made my sister and I fall down with laughter when we were children.)

Our father-son relationship suffered the kind of collateral damage that doesn’t heal easily or overnight. There were years where we didn’t speak to each other; I was hurt; he was disappointed and we were both angry. Not exactly the sort of environment that fosters the resolution of deep-seated emotional issues.

It has taken decades of therapy, failed marriage (both of us), a cancer diagnosis (mine), and a very messy dis-engagement (mine), during all of which my dad had my back. Slowly my hands have unclenched; slowly my daily experience has shifted from a steady stream of self-hatred to memories of a very painful time; slowly forgiveness has seeped in.

Despite our emotional travails, one of the gifts I inherited from my father was his orderly scientific way of thinking. He’s a doctor, after all. Thinking logically, systematically was something his trade required and something I’ve wanted to emulate. Though I wanted him to be proud of me, I also just thought that sense of organized mental mastery was cool.

When I asked my father for permission to use his name for my website, I wouldn’t say I was surprised that he said “yes,” but I was definitely pleased. When people ask about the site’s name, it feels good to say I named it after my father. It’s also a great icebreaker for conversations about why I decided to undertake this project. Now that Bartlett’s is six months old, I can actually say I’m proud of it.

***

It turns out that everything I told myself on that bike ride was true: fighting the way things unfold is futile; it appears that larger forces were at work; something wonderful did come of this string of events (www.bartlettshealth.com); the lessons learned were many and my persistence was rewarded in the end, with almost no wasted effort.

Best of all, my dad and I have an ongoing dialogue about health-related issues, which consistently spills into everyday chats about life, people we care about and our favorite sports teams (of course).

Does he like the site? Is he proud of it? I think so, and it certainly gives us plenty to talk about in a very logical and orderly way.

*****

What about you? Have you given the gift of a name? Overcome challenges that could’ve been deal breakers? Any insight to share with Mark? I always love hearing from you. (And psst! Don’t forget to pop by next week for Goody Goody, Part II… )

Naughty & Nice: Confessions of a Relative Goody-Goody

n. good·y-good·y: One who is affectedly sweet, good, or virtuous.

In most circles, I’m considered a goody-goody. Then again, it’s all relative. My family used to play a board game in which we paired family members with particular situations and traits. A card might read, “Who’s the wildest child?” for example… Or, “Who’s most likely to sing karoake naked?” We’d all jot down which one of us fit the bill. All-things-wild, misbehaving or adventurous landed on me. Goody-goody cards would definitely have landed on one of my sweet, more virtuous sisters.

Shortly after high school graduation, I moved to New York City where I lived with seven model roommates. Not model as in exemplary (trust me…). As in they—okay, we— were all fashion/runway/editorial models. I’d daydreamed about my arrival to the Big Apple…the glamour, lights, throngs of pedestrians and lanky, sophisticated roommates who’d deem me oh-so-exotic because I was from Minnesota. (Can we say naive? LOL) I was right on all counts, except about my roomies.

Domvika (must say with exotic accent) was from Abakan, Russia. Ivaki was Chechoslovakian. They all smoked, drank, watched Jerry Springer religiously and partied nightly until dawn. (Even the night before photo shoots! *gasp*) Suddenly this Minnesotan girl who’d never seen a drug up close, smoked a cigarette or drank a beer, went from “wild child” to “goody goody supreme.”

Having since lived in Paris, Miami and now Los Angeles, where my GG roots shine bright, I’ve come to embrace them. I no longer feel like a nerd for reading and writing constantly (now both are my job…whew!), waking early, turning into a pumpkin by 9pm or getting tipsy from sips of alcohol. I suppose such acceptance comes with maturity. Besides, GG-dom has some serious advantages.

For one, the best of us serve dual-purpose as naughty-supremes. (Huh? Isn’t that contradictory?) Nope! It’s just plain cool. When we let our naughtiness out, it’s HOT… Why? Because it’s unexpected. Mysterious. Sometimes mind blowing. (Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean… I’ve got some of you pegged. )

Two, we not only seem trustworthy, we are. (While we do let our ‘naughty’ out, we never let it get in the way of the higher good.) This makes for a peaceful existence and attracts other trustworthy friends into our circles.

And three, our cuss words hold POWER! If you rarely if ever swear, calling out profanities stops others’ madness like volcanic ash in Pompeii. It can also inspire laughter and much-needed cheering up.

In preparation for an upcoming post, I’ve decided to let you in on a few secrets. In order to learn more (isn’t mysteriousness FUN?), you must guess how many of the following are true about me. Could be 0, could be 10, could be any number in between. Feeling particularly confidant? Tell me which ones you believe are true in a comment. If no one gets right, I’ll use my right to remain silent. If someone does get it right, I’ll share juicy details…

I’m so naughty, I:

1. Got picked up by the cops.
2. Punched a well known artist in the nose…and broke it.
3. Had a lengthy fling with one of “world’s sexiest” celebs.
4. Walked naked through Times Square on a dare.
5. Walked naked through Times Square because I felt like it.
6. Had air-sex with an invisible man on TV.
7. Spat in a teacher’s face before knocking him into a pool.
8. Peed on the Audobon.
9. Touched a monk. And liked it.
10. Stole Jesus.
11. Said the F, S, B and D-words out loud.
12. Broke into a house.

(Or did I??? )

Guess away! If you prefer, tell me where you fall on the naughty/nice spectrum… *ALL EARS* 

Contest: If you dig this, play the Naughty and Nice Game on your blog and link it back to mine for a chance to win a platter of my healthy baked goods. (See? Naughty AND Nice… They provide wild indulgence AND ample nutritional benefits. )

Feel free to change it up. If you’re more naughty than nice, for example, you might try a Nice List. Your friends may be shocked to learn that your first kiss came at age 20…or that you volunteer for Crochet Addicts Anonymous. Or post a naughty/nice list about a particular celebrity and have us guess who it is. Anything related goes!

Author Roni Loren on Writing Sexy and Her Novel Debut

If the blogosphere were high school, Roni Loren would be a the cool girl. Maybe the coolest. When I stepped in as the new kid this past summer, I found her witty Tweets and fun, gossip-inspiring blog posts a wee bit intimidating. But unlike stereotypical teen cliques, Roni is far from snooty. Twitter led me to her blog, which led me to her website and information on her contemporary romance novel, CRASH INTO YOU. It sounded AWESOME. The only crushing part? We can’t read it until January. Being the impatient reader I am, I did the next best thing—approached her for an interview. I’m honored and thrilled that she accepted…

Roni’s bio:
Roni wrote her first romance novel at age fifteen when she discovered writing about boys was way easier than actually talking to them. Since then, her flirting skills haven’t improved, but she likes to think her storytelling ability has. Though she’ll forever be a New Orleans girl at heart, she now lives in Dallas with her husband and son. If she’s not working on her latest sexy story, you can find her reading, watching reality television, or indulging in her unhealthy addiction to rockstars, er, rock concerts. Yeah, that’s it.

About CRASH INTO YOU:

Brynn LeBreck has dedicated herself to helping women in crisis, but she never imagined how personal her work would get, or where it would take her. Her younger sister is missing, suspected to be hiding from cops and criminals alike at a highly secretive BDSM retreat—a place where the elite escape to play out their most extreme sexual fantasies. To find her Brynn must go undercover as a sexual submissive. Unfortunately, The Ranch is invitation only. And the one Master who can get her in is from the darkest corner of Brynn’s past.  – CRASH INTO YOU, Berkley Heat 2012

AM: Um, can we say HOT? How did you come up with this premise?

RL: It was one of those ideas that came to me when I wasn’t looking for it. I was working on a non-erotic contemporary romance at the time and then this idea started nudging at me. Before I started writing, I was a social worker and I had worked with a number of women who had been victims of rape. So I had the thought—what would happen if a woman who’d previously enjoyed being sexually submissive suddenly had this major trauma happen where her power was truly taken away? How would that affect how she viewed that role afterward? How could she learn to trust anyone again? What if she had to put that trust in someone who formerly betrayed her to get what she wants (in this case, to find her sister)? I answered those questions and CRASH was born. : )

AM: CRASH INTO YOU is the first in a series. Was this your plan from the get-go?

RL: No, I didn’t have the conscious thought to make this a series when I started. But I think I start every project with the vague hope it will be a series. As a reader, I’m a huge fan of series because I like to hang out with characters for a long time, so I think that’s why I naturally veer that way with writing too. And as I was writing CRASH, the hero’s friend Jace became such a strong presence in my mind that I knew I’d have to write his story too. (His story, MELT INTO YOU, comes out in July.)

AM: When did you first realize you wanted to write romance novels?

RL: After I started staying home with my son, I got the writing bug again. I’ve had it off and on since high school, but this was the first time I really decided, “Let’s do this.” But the first manuscript I wrote was actually paranormal YA. When I sent it to one of my beta readers, she said—whoa, this is very sexy for YA. LOL And, of course, the romance and steamy bits were my favorite parts of that book to write, so I realized—duh, write adult romance and you can write as sexy as you want! : )

AM: What’s your writing process like?

RL: This is an ever moving target. I used to be a hardcore, don’t-tell-me-anything-different pantser. I did no plotting ahead for CRASH. I had my characters, their backstories, and the hook, then off I went. I didn’t even decide who the true villain was until halfway through the book, lol. But writing that way also meant going down a lot of rabbit holes I didn’t need to. So I went to the craft books and picked up Save the Cat by Blake Snyder and that book saved my writer butt. It’s just the right amount of story planning for me—not too detailed but hits all the important stuff. Now I can write a synopsis before I’ve written the story and I have a general map guiding me. Now I’m working on my edit-as-I-go obsession because I need to learn to write faster and not obsess over every word in a first draft.

AM: And (I’m sure you’ve never heard this question before )—how did you get your agent and publisher?

RL: A middle-grade writer (Natalie Bahm) who I met via blogging contacted me one day to let me know that her agent (Sara Megibow) was looking to sign more romance writers before RWA Nationals. Natalie had read a few excerpts on my blog that I had done for blogfests and liked my writing, so she offered to give me a referral. Sara was already on my dream list, so I took Natalie up on that kind offer and submitted CRASH. Two weeks later Sara offered me representation. We did a pretty major revision then went out on submission. She told me to expect the rejections first, but Kate Seaver from Berkley Heat made an offer before we’d even heard back from anyone else. I was a total Berkley fan girl and couldn’t have been happier.

AM: How do you envision the release in January? Will you be nervous? Totally stoked? Have you envisioned your novel on bookstore shelves??

RL: I’m experiencing a full range of emotion. I’m over the moon excited but also nervous about what people are going to think of it. Writing is such a personal thing and having your writing on display for the world kind of feels like standing in the middle of an auditorium naked and asking for opinions.

AM: What role do you expect your blog will play in promotion and sales of your book? Has it helped you in other ways?

RL: I love blogging. As I mentioned above, I wouldn’t have gotten a referral to my agent without my blog, so it’s played a big role so far. The people I’ve met and the support that’s out there for other writers are by far the biggest benefits of blogging. As for promotion, I take the mindset that it’s all about building relationships and being a real person. My blog isn’t there for me to yell “buy my book!” I just hope that the relationships I’ve developed will naturally translate into people being open to trying my book and being supportive.

AM: What’s your top tip for up-and-coming bloggers?

RL: Be genuine and be uniquely you. Your blog is about letting people in and getting to know you (and all your quirks and weirdness). Don’t start a blog with the intention of replicating what someone else is doing. What’s successful for one person may be the wrong path for you. Play to your own strengths. (Guess that’s more than one tip, LOL.)

AM: What do you most hope readers will gain from CRASH INTO YOU?

RL: A world they can get lost in with a few laughs, a lot of sexiness, and a hero and heroine they can root for.

AM: I don’t know about you all, but I’m rooting for Brynn, Jace and Roni already.

Roni’s debut novel, CRASH INTO YOU, will be published by Berkley Heat January 3, 2012. For more information, visit her website: www.roniloren.com and writing blog.

*****

Are you as eager to read CRASH INTO YOU as I am??? Any thoughts to share with Roni?